My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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