So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
