It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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