he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
