I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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