The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
