If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
