i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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