Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
