you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
