yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
