Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
