$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
