dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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