Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
