I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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