I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
