i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
