Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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