does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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