OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
