I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
