Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
