drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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