Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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