Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
