I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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