My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
