I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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