Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
