You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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