Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
