She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
