No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
