last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
