Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
