Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
