I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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