I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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