I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
