i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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