He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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