Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
