this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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