I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
