She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
