ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
they're like a gay fantastic four
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They took my balls.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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