Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Let's get the cat blown out
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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