Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
