I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The air taste purple.
Randomize
