So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
