I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
