Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
