I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
