I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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